13 go-to rules for when to swipe left on dating apps in L.A. and probably everywhere else, too

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Following the end of a five-year-long relationship, I moved to Los Angeles to chase my dreams and to begin my new single life.

It’s possibly worth mentioning that I have now been single for nearly a year and a half and this is the longest I’ve been single in nearly a decade. It’s also definitely worth mentioning that I moved to LA and six weeks later, quarantine began. So, like the rest of the world, my bright-eyed, single, eager-to-date-and-experience-this-big-new-city self had to quickly adjust to a romantic life experienced solely through my phone screen.

At first, even this was exciting — swiping, chatting, “meeting” new people, seeing the men the world of online dating had to offer me.

HINGE WAS MY OYSTER.

But quarantine and swipe-fatigue hit hard, and by May (I know — wild that it took until May), I had begun to disengage. But like any late-20-something single millennial chick in a new city, I picked the habit back up because, well, what the hell else did I have to do?

I soon realized that I was spending WAY too much time trying to decide whether to swipe right or left on most men, so I developed a set of rules to help cut down on my swiping time in an effort to maximize time spent chatting with men who might actually sweep me off my digital feet.

*By no means does abiding by these rules weed out all of the shitty men on dating apps, but it does a good bit of the heavy lifting.*

The Rules:

1. If a man answers the prompt “Biggest risk I’ve taken” with “moved to LA” — this is an IMMEDIATE no. If moving to a big, beautiful city, with beaches and recreational activities galore, people from all walks of life, delicious food, resources, and ample job opportunities in almost every field, then he must not be very adventurous or exciting. He also likely has mommy issues. *This might be less true for international men. They get a pass. Moving to another country is a fair answer.
2. If a man’s primary picture is of him and a baby or a child with a caption about the baby/child not being his or about him being the best uncle, this is also an immediate no. For me, personally, this existing anywhere in a man’s profile is a no-go but there are times when it may be redeemable. Having that baby/child picture as the primary picture is not one of those times. This tells me that this man thinks every woman will swoon over any pic of a man with a baby/child. It also reads as somewhat manipulative. It also feels like a lame exploitation of the child. No bueno. Not for me.
3. If a man has no pictures with any friends or family, HARD PASS. This tells me he either a) is incredibly self-obsessed, b) has no friends to share pics of OR doesn’t spend enough time with said friends, or c) thinks his friends are hotter than him, in which case, I want to meet his friends, not him. Sorry.
4. If a man mentions on his profile in any kind of direct way how close he his with his mother, I’m out. Of course, I want a man who has a great relationship with his family — mom included — but I HAVE BEEN THERE with a man who kisses his mother’s feet and let me tell you — not a healthy situation. This is because the situation is likely that the mothers of men like this think that they can do no wrong, which, um, is ABSOLUTELY false (and also teaches the men to believe this lie as well) AND *in my experience* it may also lead to a weird competitive thing between me and his mother. G — goodbye.
5. If a man states on his dating profile, “…and NO I won’t follow you on instagram”, this is another immediate left swipe. BOY BYE. Like…okay? That’s fine. You don’t have to. You also don’t have to make a sweeping, aggressive statement in the very limited real estate that is a dating profile where you should be disclosing nuggets that speak to your (clearly lackluster) personality.
6. A man whose every picture is a professionally-taken model photo or headshot is a BIIIIIG no. One? Sure. MAYBE two depending on other things. But any more than that tells me that he really thinks he’s hot shit and even if he actually is, I don’t need/want a man that vain.
7. A man with a profile full of rock climbing photos is another big nope for me. This is hard though, because I LOVE the outdoors and in another life, I might have been a rock climber just for the time spent outdoors and the views, etc. However, I am PETRIFIED of rock climbing and the dangers associated with it and I would be a nervous WRECK 24/7 if I was dating a man who was devoted enough to rock climbing that it’s all he has on his profile. (This has unfortunately led me to swipe left on some very handsome, athletic, sweet-seeming men, but I stand by this rule nonetheless.)
8. Does he have a tiny dog? Pomeranian? Chihuahua? Maltese? OUTTIE 5000. Idk why but men with tiny dogs ain’t it for me. It weirdly feels like another piece of vanity. Also, I don’t need that yappy shit in my future. (Sorry if you love it, just not for me.)
9. While I’m on the subject of dogs, a man who has one or more pictures of ONLY his dog is a no from me, dawg. A picture or two WITH your dog? Sure! Love to see it. But am I trying to date your dog? No. And if you suck, is your cute ass companion going to be the thing that makes me say, “Hmm…I think I’ll give this guy a shot.”? Also no.
10. Buncha gym selfies (particularly gym mirror selfies)? Absolutely not. I feel like this one speaks for itself.
11. Men who choose prompts and answer them by explaining why they won’t answer them are infuriating. For example: Prompt: “Best travel story” … Answer: “Couldn’t fit it here.” OR Prompt: “the one thing you should know about me is” … Answer: “Wouldn’t you like to know.” LIKE. Maybe don’t pick those prompts if you don’t want to answer them?
12. I’m biased on this one, but if a man makes some snide, negative comment about spirituality or astrology or woo-woo shit in general on his dating profile, he probably sucks. I say this not because a man has to believe in these things (honestly, IDGAF what someone believes) but if he’s really going to use his *precious real estate* to shit on things that many people really believe in and love then GTF outta here man. (Also, he’s probably a virgo or a cap, in which case also GTF outta here man.)
13. LAST BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT LEAST — men who make statements on their profile that are intended to place themselves on a pedestal above the women that are swiping or above other people in general — GOODBYE FOREVER. Example: “I take pride in…not being a victim.” LIKE EFF OFF DUDE.

I realize that some of these things might seem very superficial. Some of them are. That’s the nature of app-based dating (which is IMO one of the reasons why it sucks). The point is to swipe left when someone isn’t attractive to you or intriguing to you or when there is something off-putting about their profile to you. Standardizing this approach with the above rules actually feels less superficial to me, but to each their own.

DISCLAIMER: These rules have not yet lead to any marked success for me (because, ahem, despite the technological and entrepreneurial marvel that is app-based dating, app-based dating still sucks), BUT they did help my brain make quicker decisions and therefore, helped me maximize my swipe-to-minute ratio.

HAPPY SWIPING!